I was the girl who pretended to be something she was not.
This led me to expect more from others, than I produced for my own self. There was a version of me, in my head, that I counted on others to see, know, and cater to. A version of me that I had not even fed; one that I was not committed to, and didn’t know personally. I held myself, and everyone else, to a standard I wasn’t living by, so I ended up pushing away anyone who didn’t look like what was in my head. All while claiming to be protecting myself from inconsistency and brokenness… in others, because surely I wasn’t the problem! Immaturity at it’s finest.
BUT… it was this harmful cycle that directed me to the real, root issue, causing me to self sabotage. I learned that there was a void that needed to be filled. And, no, I couldn’t fill it with relationships, friendships, sex, money, liquor, a new location, a new job, going back to school, or keeping a perfect attendance at church, or the gym. It was my relationship with God, and my transparency/accountability with myself, that needed to take place. It was a MUST that I began to see myself the way GOD sees me. It was a MUST that I began to go to God, like The Father He is, and cast my cares, my tears, and my shattered self esteem, on HIM, so that HE could fix it. It was a MUST that I take my hands, and my mind OFF of the life that I had created for myself, and yield to HIS will for me. It was a must that I granted God the pleasure of filling the void.
And it was only then, that I stopped being so hard on myself. I had allowed my past mistakes to shape me and discourage me into thinking I had to be this perfect woman to make up for everything I had done wrong. God said “No. I loved you during the mistakes. There is nothing you could’ve done to change my mind about who I’ve called you to be.. so, BE.”
I feel this strongly in my heart to encourage young women who have “daddy issues”… please, forgive him, and allow God to come into your heart, and fill that emptiness. Do not be the woman who gives men a hard time, because her father wasn’t there, and now you expect men to be who you wanted your dad to be all this time. Trust that God will be there for you, NO MATTER WHAT, and know that He WILL be The Father you never had. I am praying for you, your growth, and your healing! Do not hold on to this any longer. Free yourself of the shame and the constant feeling of rejection, and embrace the FACT that you were CHOSEN from the start!
“All things are done according to God’s plan and decision; and God chose US to be His own people in union with Christ because of His own purpose, based on what He had decided from the very beginning.”
“And I will be a Father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says The Lord Almighty.”
2 Corinthians 6:18